A hilarious take on the “Samaikyandhra Protests” By: Sujai K.
These are the ‘genuine’ fears expressed by Seemandhra people and their leaders in Samaikyandhra agitations.
All Seemandhras would lose their jobs instantly
All Seemandhras whether they are living in Telangana or in Seemandhra will instantly lose their jobs with creation of Telangana. One needs to understand why. Most Seemandhras are currently employed only in Telangana and that too only in government sector, taking up jobs meant for Telanganas. They will lose these jobs immediately. In addition, Seemandhras will lose their jobs within Seemandhra for unknown reasons, but known explicably to Samaikyandhra activists. Seemandhra teachers will lose their jobs, because all Seemandhra students will stop going to school due to the heart-break caused by the murder of their beloved Telugu Talli. Bankers in Seemandhra will lose their jobs because banks would become empty after spending the money on Samaikyandhra agitations. All lawyers in Seemandhra will have no cases to fight because currently most of them are engaged in fighting against Telangana activists.
Not only this. Seemandhras will also lose all private jobs. Graduating engineers will not be able to travel outside Seemandhra to find jobs anywhere in India, because once Telangana is formed Seemandhras automatically get disqualified from taking up any private jobs in India. How is that possible? Don’t ask. In a first of its kind, Facebook and Google based in Hyderabad will put up a board outside: “No Seemandhras will be hired, but all other Indians are welcome to apply”. Doctors in Seemandhra will have no patients to treat because all the current patients come only from Telangana. Hospitals in Seemandhra will immediately close down. Seemandhras will have no means for their livelihood.
Seemandhra would instantly dry up to become a desert
The rivers will stop flowing into Coastal Andhra. No water will go down into the Bay of Bengal because Telanganas will create the world’s largest reservoirs to store up all the water. All Seemandhra fields will dry up instantly and their cattle will have nothing to eat. Seemandhra people will have no food to eat and no water to drink. Seemandhra people will die of hunger and thirst.
Also, when New Delhi intervenes to make Telangana release the water, Telangana will have its own army to defend itself against the Indian Army. Telangana will negate all the decisions of all tribunals to become the first state in the world that will be unwilling to share waters with any other region. The water sharing mechanism which is followed worldwide so methodically, even by the nineteen countries that share River Danube, will suddenly fail only when it comes to Telangana.
Seemandhras will become illiterate
Suddenly all the colleges, universities and schools in Seemandhra will be shut down permanently, most probably because they don’t know how to teach prakruti and vikruti anymore, after the loss of Telangana as an internal colony. The students of Seemandhra will have no future. They will come onto to streets to become beggars while the parents will cry on TV debates organized by Seemandhra media.
Seemandhras will not be allowed into Hyderabad
Telangana will become another country. Not just any country, it will become a hostile country. It will become Palestine. No, No. It will become Pakistan. Or is it Palestine? Whatever! But no Seemandhra person can go into Hyderabad unless he has a visa. There will be border check posts along Seemandhra-Telangana border using Telangana Army. Passports will be checked. Seemandhras will carry separate passports in addition to Indian passports. Seemandhras will have to apply for a visa with Telangana embassies situated in prominent cities like Vizag and Tirupathi. Please note that this restriction is only limited to Seemandhras. All other Indians will continue to throng Hyderabad without restrictions.
Seemandhras will lose all their investments in Hyderabad
Suddenly, overnight, all Seemandhras living in Hyderabad will lose their legal rights to their homes and businesses. They will lose their apartment complexes, their malls, and their hospitals to the government of Telangana. The Seemandhras will be thrown onto streets without recourse to law of the land. In an instant, all constitutional rights and protections offered by Indian Constitution will become invalid in Hyderabad. Please note, once again, that only Seemandhras will lose their entitlements, whereas all other Indians will continue to enjoy their constitutional rights in Hyderabad. Also, note that those Seemandhras living in Telangana outside Hyderabad will not be affected.
Seemandhras will lose all sources of revenue
Overnight all revenues will stop flowing into Seemandhra. Creation of Telangana will have an amazing effect on all Seemandhra cities. Tirupathi, Vizag, Vijayawada, Kakinada, Guntur, Anantapur, Ongole, Kakinada, Rajamundry will suddenly stop earning any revenues. Seemandhra people will stop paying taxes. Out of grief, in seeing their united Andhra Pradesh break up, Seemandhras will stop buying goods. Even the inveterate alcoholics will suddenly become teetotalers and stop spending money on liquor.
Every Telangana person will become a naxalite or terrorist
Every Telangana person will become an Islamic terrorist from 6 AM-12 noon, a Hindu fundamentalist from12-6 PM & a feudal dora 6 PM-midnight and a Naxalite midnight-6 AM. These shifts will rotate every week to enable the Telangana people to exhibit the worst possible behavior in all four avatars. Now that Telangana people got their own state after sixty years of struggle, they will lose complete faith in Indian political system, and take up arms to fight the very political system which granted them their state. This may sound counter-intuitive, but that’s what is going to happen according to Samaikyandhra activists. Telangana will be a haven for the communists and the religious fundamentalists at the same time, making it the first state with two competing ideologies taking root.
Formation of Telangana is unnatural and anti-constitutional
Formation of Telangana will create earthquakes and tsunamis in Seemandhra. It will create famines, epidemics of plague, and open up new volcanoes in and around Seemandhra. Comets will strike their lands and animal species will go extinct. Formation of Telangana is an aberration of all natural laws. Even the gods do not favor Telangana. Creation of Telangana is unconstitutional, illegal, illegitimate, undemocratic, fascist and the worst decision ever made in entire human history.
There are many more fears that could not be listed here. Because of these ‘genuine’ fears, Telangana should not be formed.
[with inputs from Jai Gottimukkala]